Ryan's Birthday

Ryan,

There is a song by Neil Diamond called "Beautiful Noise" that makes me think of you. My pure bundle of beautiful noise and joy is the only way I know how to sum up such the incredible little boy you are.
You came to us as a surprise. After an experience with your brother where fertility treatments were involved and a sicken feeling in my gut that I would never be able to get pregnant without fertility help, you surprised me. With you, my Mommy instinct came early. On a whim and somewhat pure denial I found myself staring at the pregnancy test where within seconds you showed me you were here. Shock, utter shock and disbelief followed by the most amazing feeling of joy. Holy Cow I was going to be a Mommy again. I don't think you will ever know how happy you made me from that single moment staring at the pregnancy test. Your brother was barely 6 months old and we had just been though the highs and lows of 9 months, a birth and months of sleeping deprivation and adjusting to life with a baby. Then suddenly there you were and I kept the pregnancy test on the bedside table next to me for weeks so that I would wake up and see that you were there and I wasn't dreaming. Before too much longer you began to remind me you were here with the familiar feeling of fatigue and nausea. I began showing earlier and found myself turning into a pro at the doctor's appointments. Dr. Ward and his staff all knew me well by now and the first trimester I found myself riding a high of pure happiness and surprise.
We decided to find out if you were a boy or a girl, and upon hearing you were a boy my first thoughts traveled to Evan. I was so excited for him that he was going to have a brother to play with. It didn't take long for the idea that I was going to have Two boys to sink in either. We began referring to you both as "the boys" and it just felt right. Mommy's boys... And to this day I still say that.
You came into the world rather suddenly. A car accident sent Mommy into an early Labor and you arrived shortly after midnight 7 weeks early but a plump and feisty 5 pounder. I was so proud of you for being such a fighter such an incredible drive to breath on your own with only minimal help. Your stay in the NICU was tough. Mommy wanted to spend every second with you but your brother needed me too. When I would come visit we sat and rocked and I sang to you and tried not to cry. When the time came for us to bring you home I found myself determined to make you feel safe and loved. Your first year was hard... Mommy had to learn a new baby all over again. And I learned quick that you were very different than Evan. You were so little yet so strong. You were a cryer and didn't sleep well at first. You loved to be cuddled but sometimes even that didn't make you happy. I probably hovered over you too much. Having you come into the world the way you did... Mommy just didn't know how to stop hovering and eventually realized that I had no choice. Sometimes I would pick you up and hold you and relish in the miracle of you. And before too much longer you began to show signs of you. A smile that lit up your whole face, a constant amazed look on your face when you would watch Evan play. An early eagerness to sit up crawl and walk. You never let the fact that you were a bit smaller and a bit uncoordinated get you down. You have been and always will be my little fighter.
You are three now and the changes in you are amazing. You are talking more and more every day. You love anything and everything to do with a football, baseball, any ball really. You could spend hours in the backyard kicking a ball around. You are quiet at times but when you get excited and happy you let out the biggest belly laugh that makes my cheeks hurt because I am smiling so much. You refuse to try new foods and could eat Penne pasta with "Pizza" sauce for every meal. You have stared preschool now and I am so proud at you for being so brave and so good for your first year. You do have a temper and Mommy has to take cover if you don't get your way... Yet you love to give kisses when you realize someone is hurt and you love to hug kids smaller than you especially babies. You seem to have such a sweet and natural way with making babies happy.
My favorite moment with you Ryan is after you have gone to bed. Like your Daddy you are a night owl and you tend to stay up. When I go to check on you you give me the biggest smile and tell me you want to give Evan a good night kiss. So I pick you up and carry you into Evan's room who by now is long asleep. You lean down and give him a kiss and then you do you silly face with your fingers in your mouth sticking your tongue out. It is at that moment I relish in your silly heart. Your amazing sweet and silly heart and when I put you back in bed I laugh with you and tell you how much joy you are in my life.
You started off in this world as a surprise and on your 3rd birthday I have to tell you that you surprise me more and more every day with the way you are growing up and the little boy you are turning out to be. In fact right now you are playing with Evan but every so often you look at me and say "Hey Mommy...it's dinner time." and I smile at the sound of my beautiful little noise.