There is a song by Neil Diamond called "Beautiful Noise" that makes me think of you. My pure bundle of beautiful noise and joy is the only way I know how to sum up such the incredible little boy you are. You came to us as a surprise. After an experience with your brother where fertility treatments were involved and a sicken feeling in my gut that I would never be able to get pregnant without fertility help, you surprised me. With you, my Mommy instinct came early. On a whim and somewhat pure denial I found myself staring at the pregnancy test where within seconds you showed me you were here. Shock, utter shock and disbelief followed by the most amazing feeling of joy. Holy Cow I was going to be a Mommy again. I don't think you will ever know how happy you made me from that single moment staring at the pregnancy test. Your brother was barely 6 months old and we had just been though the highs and lows of 9 months, a birth and months of sleeping deprivation and adjusting to life with a baby. Then suddenly there you were and I kept the pregnancy test on the bedside table next to me for weeks so that I would wake up and see that you were there and I wasn't dreaming. Before too much longer you began to remind me you were here with the familiar feeling of fatigue and nausea. I began showing earlier and found myself turning into a pro at the doctor's appointments. Dr. Ward and his staff all knew me well by now and the first trimester I found myself riding a high of pure happiness and surprise. We decided to find out if you were a boy or a girl, and upon hearing you were a boy my first thoughts traveled to Evan. I was so excited for him that he was going to have a brother to play with. It didn't take long for the idea that I was going to have Two boys to sink in either. We began referring to you both as "the boys" and it just felt right. Mommy's boys... And to this day I still say that. You came into the world rather suddenly. A car accident sent Mommy into an early Labor and you arrived shortly after midnight 7 weeks early but a plump and feisty 5 pounder. I was so proud of you for being such a fighter such an incredible drive to breath on your own with only minimal help. Your stay in the NICU was tough. Mommy wanted to spend every second with you but your brother needed me too. When I would come visit we sat and rocked and I sang to you and tried not to cry. When the time came for us to bring you home I found myself determined to make you feel safe and loved. Your first year was hard... Mommy had to learn a new baby all over again. And I learned quick that you were very different than Evan. You were so little yet so strong. You were a cryer and didn't sleep well at first. You loved to be cuddled but sometimes even that didn't make you happy. I probably hovered over you too much. Having you come into the world the way you did... Mommy just didn't know how to stop hovering and eventually realized that I had no choice. Sometimes I would pick you up and hold you and relish in the miracle of you. And before too much longer you began to show signs of you. A smile that lit up your whole face, a constant amazed look on your face when you would watch Evan play. An early eagerness to sit up crawl and walk. You never let the fact that you were a bit smaller and a bit uncoordinated get you down. You have been and always will be my little fighter. You are three now and the changes in you are amazing. You are talking more and more every day. You love anything and everything to do with a football, baseball, any ball really. You could spend hours in the backyard kicking a ball around. You are quiet at times but when you get excited and happy you let out the biggest belly laugh that makes my cheeks hurt because I am smiling so much. You refuse to try new foods and could eat Penne pasta with "Pizza" sauce for every meal. You have stared preschool now and I am so proud at you for being so brave and so good for your first year. You do have a temper and Mommy has to take cover if you don't get your way... Yet you love to give kisses when you realize someone is hurt and you love to hug kids smaller than you especially babies. You seem to have such a sweet and natural way with making babies happy. My favorite moment with you Ryan is after you have gone to bed. Like your Daddy you are a night owl and you tend to stay up. When I go to check on you you give me the biggest smile and tell me you want to give Evan a good night kiss. So I pick you up and carry you into Evan's room who by now is long asleep. You lean down and give him a kiss and then you do you silly face with your fingers in your mouth sticking your tongue out. It is at that moment I relish in your silly heart. Your amazing sweet and silly heart and when I put you back in bed I laugh with you and tell you how much joy you are in my life. You started off in this world as a surprise and on your 3rd birthday I have to tell you that you surprise me more and more every day with the way you are growing up and the little boy you are turning out to be. In fact right now you are playing with Evan but every so often you look at me and say "Hey Mommy...it's dinner time." and I smile at the sound of my beautiful little noise.
You came to Mommy and Daddy on a Monday night. The first sight of you my eyes were filled with an image of chubby flesh and a red face as you cried your way into the world. "It's a boy" the doctors said but I knew. I somehow knew all along you were a boy. I am not sure how or why. I think even at early pregnancy the Mommy instinct had begun, and thus I just knew.
I didn't think I would ever be a Mommy. I didn't think I could get pregnant. No rhyme no reason just a few bumbs along the way. But with the doctors help and the Lord's prayer you arrived into my life and changed me forever. I knew I loved you upon sight. But I didn't really fall in love with you until I looked in your eyes and saw your spirit My Evan. So beautiful so sweet so perfectly mine. You gave us a scare at 4 days old. You had a seizure and stayed in the hospital for 5 days. We were unable to bring you home with us when we left the hospital and I get my first taste of feeling completely vulnerable and utterly terrified that I would not be able to protect you. I would sleep with the receiving blanket that you were wrapped in and prayed for you. You were thankfully okay and we brought you home to begin our journey as a family.
We were beginners you see. Eager and excited but completely untrained Your Daddy and I were flying only on pure instinct and pure gut. You showed us that patience is everything and sleep would eventually come back. You showed us that holding you wrapped warm in a blanket was your favorite place to be you had no idea how many times Mommy and Daddy just stared at you in amazement. Your first hiccup after the seizure was a dairy allergy. We had to switch you to a special formula which somehow you seemed to scarf down at every meal despite how bad it smelled to Mommy and Daddy. You began to amaze us a bit more every day as you started to stay awake longer and found your way around your world with long eye gazes and my favorite, your first smile. For the longest time Daddy was the only one who could make you laugh. Mommy was so jealous.... But she got over it. Especially when you were upset and Mommy's arms was the only place you wanted to be. As you grew your personality came out in such neat ways. You seemed to like order and everything had a special place. You were fascinated with Tupperware and loved to stack things in a simple line. I began to see bits and pieces of Daddy in you as you brainstormed and problem solved where every little piece of your play toys belonged.
Your first word was "dog" and your favorite toys were cars. You loved stealing my cell phone, and sometimes calling people without your knowledge (or mine). When you were 6 months old Mommy and Daddy learned you were going to be a big brother. We wrote the news on your tummy with a sharpie pen and handed you to your grandparents for them to discover this when they changed your diaper. It was a great way for you to tell them. You didn't seem to like change, especially with food. You preferred your bottle over Jarred baby food. and I didn't think I would ever get you to learn to eat off a spoon. You first solid food was cheerios and Mommy discovered the pure bliss of being able to plop you down in your high chair with cheerios while she made dinner (or watch a Friends episode on T.V.).
You have had so many wonderful first since then. Your first Christmas, your first Birthday. A car accident where you were very scared but thank god you were okay. We moved into a new house and brought home your new baby brother when you were just a year old. You were so sweet Evan. If you were jealous you only showed me in small doses. You really handled that so well. After Ryan got bigger and got into your toys, that was a different story. You didn't like sharing at first and Mommy had to come to terms with the concept of "tough love" You began getting time outs and every now and then a spanking. But as Ryan grew and you grew you began to tolerate him more and eventually looked at him as a friend. Meanwhile more and more of your spirit would come out in so many wonderful ways. You have such a tender little heart. You are kind and quietly observant of everything going on a round you. You still like for things to have a special order and God forbid Mommy comes into your room and messes with things. I love that you stick up for yourself yet you still love to crawl in my lap and snuggle for a long time.
You have change so much in the past year. You talk all the time now and right now you seem to love anything about science. Outer Space, nature....even bugs. You have such a great big heart and you seem to get your feelings hurt pretty easily. At the end of the day after Daddy has put you to bed you always call for me after about 10 minutes so you can show me the stars from your window. You say you want to fly to the moon when you grow up and I kiss you on the head and tell you you can be anything you want to be.
That's my wish for you Evan. For you to be anything you want to be. I want you to follow your heart and follow you dreams and find what makes you happy and live your life to the fullest. I say to you every now and then that you will always be my baby and that will never change. You are four now and I know you are growing up more and more on my every day. But you and I have a special bond Evan. You made me a Mommy. And on your birthday I am reminded more and more of what a wonderful gift that truly is. Happy birthday baby boy. I love you more than you will ever know.